Blue Eyes and White Lies

A writer, lover, thinker, and midwestern, book-loving sexpot.

Toxins

39 Comments

Her body was still warm when they found her. Her father checked for a pulse, then began CPR. With every attempt at jumpstarting her heart and with every breath he pushed into her mouth, he begged God to save his child. The paramedics peeled him away, his arms and legs flailing like a mad man.

Today, the sun breaks the clouds and touches a church. A column of light shines through a pane of colored glass, engulfing the flowers on her coffin, dust particles floating in the beam like spirits.

 

*This post is my contribution toΒ Madison Woods’s Friday Fictioneers.
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Author: Dallas Kelly

I love telling stories and interacting with new people.

39 thoughts on “Toxins

  1. Very nice flow from frantic to calm acceptance & really good descriptions. The only thing I would critique is “his arms and legs flailing like a mad man” may be a bit cliche.

    PS: I like how clean and smooth your site design is.

  2. Very touching and poetic. A really different twist on the use of the prompt. I especially like ,”A column of light shines through a pane of colored glass, engulfing the flowers on her coffin, dust particles floating in the beam like spirits.”

  3. Wow β€” very heavy indeed; you really got to grips with something serious and that is admirable. The writing has excellent flow. I wouldn’t change a thing, it’s perfect.

  4. A powerful piece of writing.
    I thought the switch from the frantic attempts to save her life to the calm acceptance of her death and funeral was done well.
    A great read.

  5. Beautifully heart-breaking writing here, and somehow the picture made it even more sorrowful.
    Like Craig, I didn’t particularly like the “flailing like a mad man” bit, but I thought “peeled him away” was perfect, as was that last paragraph in its entirety.

  6. A gorgeous piece. So much implied and very little explicitly stated. I especially love the third sentence in the first paragraph — the juxtaposition of actions and sending up the prayer. Really, the phrasing just works.

    Thanks for sharing! Here’s mine: http://thecolorlime.wordpress.com/2012/02/10/trip-99/

  7. Your title and the following words lead me to believe the girl consumed what she thought to be an edible mushroom…how sad and how dangerous. And, how well written…

    ~Susan (here’s mine: http://www.susanwenzel.com/)

  8. “peeled him away”

    Your descriptions are riveting and heartwrenching. A beautiful talent you have, my dear

  9. Hi, Dallas–thanks for stopping by to visit my blog, Diary of a Naive, and for the Like! Since it is about a woman’s struggle with both self-discovery and writing, I hope you will continue to get a little something out of it to help you along. (As if you need it!) But — I wanted to say that, having read some of the things you have written, I don’t think you have to worry about not being published eventually. Merely something like Toxins has great potential and currently great appeal. Once you finish it, I’d test the waters and send it out. Why wait? What for? What are you afraid of? I wouldn’t be. You write very, very well.

  10. That was heartbreaking but beautifully portrayed. I liked the sense of calm completion at the end.

  11. Ooooooh, that is so sad. Beautifully written, though. Mine is at http://www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com.

  12. Dear Dallas,

    Very beautifully written. You might consider Madman instead of mad man. I did not find the image a cliche as some others did. i thought your portrayal rather moving and seamlessly eloquent.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/02/10/dragonfly/

  13. This is exactly why I’m terrified of eating mushrooms.Such a touching, well written and cautionary tale.

    Here’s mine:
    http://jaykayel.wordpress.com/2012/02/10/loose-lips-100-word-flash-fiction/

  14. As long as everyone is commenting on “madman,” I’ll add my $0.02 and say “madman’s” because his limbs were flailing like those of a madman.

    Excellent, indirect use of the prompt.

    Here’s my entry: http://wp.me/p24aJS-2F

  15. I love the image of the dust motes, like spores, floating in the air at the funeral.

  16. Wow. This truly did leave me speechless. And nearly wordless. Mushroom identification was one of the first things I was taught (as well as berry identification) as a kid. This was my parents’ nightmare.

    The link t my drabble is here: http://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/02/10/white-rot/

  17. Hauntingly beautiful writing, and such a sad tone to this. The father’s flailing says it all.

    In a lighter vein:
    http://writetuit.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/flash-friday-soupe-du-jour/

  18. I like this very much, especially the changing mood and the lovely second paragraph.

  19. Hi Dallas,

    Just wanted to say thank you for following my blog. I’m hoping you’ll stop by and visit once in a while. Will try to keep it worth your while.

    Aloha,

    Doug

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