His scent lingered on my skin. I held my hand to my nose and breathed him in. Burning candles were the only remains of our second date. That, and of course, that smell. Thick and strong, like flesh and iron and blood. Raw. Visceral. I closed my eyes and thought of him, letting my imagination take care of the rest.
After work I go home and pour myself a big glass of cabernet sauvignon and eat brie and bleu cheese and crackers. Ever since high school, I would pinch my cheeks to gauge how drunk I am. Well I drink until I can’t feel my cheeks and then I pour myself some more. I’m going to be honest and don’t judge me, but I love being drunk. I’m actually happier and the world seems lighter and my boldness is increased ten fold. So I sit in my room with candles burning and a cigarette in my mouth, typing out this long letter to Tyler that I had decided I was going to send to all his friends and family. It was an exposé on his secrets that he said he’d never shared with anyone.
Suddenly: Knock knock knock.
It’s almost midnight. My roommate is out and I’ve the place to myself, so I decide to just ignore it and hope whoever it is goes away. Then I hear a knock again and a moment later my phone buzzes and there’s a text from Tyler. “Are you home?”
“No,” I type back.
“Your car is in the parking lot,” he replies.
Keep in mind I’m drunk, so I don’t have my wits. I think of a million different things to say, but don’t text him any of them. Instead, I just close my phone and wait, but then he texts me again, begging me to answer, begging me to just give him a chance. He’s sorry, he says, he’s sorry and he misses me and he shouldn’t have said those things about me at my work. So there I am, drunk, lonely, sad, and clearly unable to think. I get up and open the door and there he is, standing their with flowers. He hands them to me, says he’s sorry, and turns to walk away. I watch him pad down the hallway and just as he gets to the stairs, I say, “Tyler, wait.”
He turns and just looks at me, his face is pathetic and sad and it looks like his skin has no life in it. “Come here,” I tell him and he walks back to me. I say, “You really hurt me today.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You hurt me a lot in our relationship. That’s why I broke it off.”
“I’m an idiot.”
With the scent of the flowers I’m holding in my hand, and the wine, and the heartbreak, my brain fizzes out and despite my better judgment I hear myself saying, “Why don’t you come inside.”
I say, “Lay down with me.”
I tell him, “One last time.”
The rest is like a dream. I hear the click as I lock my door. We don’t speak. Our feet make soft creaks in the carpet and floorboards. My door opens. It shuts. There’s no romance to it. No beauty. We turn our backs to each other and strip. I slide into bed. He slides in next to me. As our hearts beat faster, so does our pace. We don’t kiss. We don’t look each other in the eye. But it feels good. I remember the room being blue from the moonlight and the way the candles smelled and a nearly empty bottle of wine on my bedside table.
After we finish, Tyler and I look each other in the eyes for the first time. He slides his body off me, and goes into the bathroom. I dress. The toilet flushes and the sink runs and then Tyler comes into my room. He doesn’t look at me and I don’t look at him. I walk past him and go into the bathroom and when I come back out, he’s gone.
I was at work a few months back, making a latte or cappuccino or something, and in walks Tyler. I see him and ignore him. My manager knows about our break up, so when I finish the drink I’m working on, I approach him and tell him my ex is here. He takes over at the register and finally it’s Tyler’s turn. He places his order and everything is fine. When it gets time to make his drink, my manager takes over and I make a B-line for the break room. Before I get there, I hear, “Dallas!” and I keep going. Suddenly, there he is, behind the counter, holding me by the arm.
“Dallas, we need to talk.”
“Just go away!” I say. Our break up wasn’t easy. It was me who broke it off with him. He didn’t like that. He wanted to talk, but since I’m me, I ignored him and I was hoping he’d just fade away, like carbonation in a long forgotten soda.
“Dallas, please,” he says. “I still love you.”
By this time, my manager has stopped making the drink and rushed over to us. He puts his hands on my shoulders and says, “Time for you to go.”
“I paid for a drink,” he replies.
“You forfeited that drink when you harassed my employee.”
Tyler let go of my arm and backed away. He stared at me with more hate in his eyes than I’d ever seen on anyone. This coming from a guy who just told me he loved me. This was the man who bought me flowers on the day I was sad for no reason and would get up in the middle of the night to get me butterscotch pudding when I woke up craving it. He stops just a few steps from the door and says so loud everyone can hear, “You’re employee is a slut!”
He says, “Did she tell you that we fucked in the parking lot?”
“Get out!” my manager shouts.
“And at the Christmas party. At your house. She gave me a blowjob.”
None of this is true. He’s lying just to hurt me. I mean, sure we slept together, but we didn’t do anything like that. And even if we had, he had no right to use it against me like that. My manager moves so quickly he feels like an apparition. He charges at Tyler and that little coward shuffles out the door and runs to his friends waiting for him in their car. They peel out and then we’re left in harrowing silence that rings like death. I don’t look, but I can feel everyone staring at me, judging me, thinking some slutty whore just made their drinks. But my manager, as cool as ever, says, “Sorry everyone for the disturbance. I’ll be around shortly to give you a coupon for a free drink.” He looks at me and says, “You’re okay. It’s not your fault. Go take a breather.”
I push open the door, the squeaking of the hinges sounding like a desperate plea for help. I sit down, put my hand in my palms and cry. I’m not a crier. I keep it all inside. I try to be tough, but this time, I just started crying, the tears coming down like thick gobs of glue, sticking to everything. I don’t know how long I’m crying, but I hear the door squeak open and soon a hand is on my shoulder.
My manager says in his calming tone, “Shh, shh, shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” He sits down next to me and I instinctively turn and put my weeping head on his shoulder and he holds me and pats me on the back and keeps saying, “It’s okay.”
He tells me, “I don’t think you’re a bad person. No one does. Your ex is the bad one. Not you. It’s not your fault.”
I cry until my tear ducts are dry.
Blue Eyes and White Lies 